i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
