I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize