she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
