If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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