Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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