Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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