i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
