My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
