Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
