So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I woke up under a house in Key West
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
