you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize