theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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