you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
