Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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