i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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