I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
