There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
