she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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