I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
