There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
