i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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