Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
