Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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