As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
