How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
