4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
