you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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