is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
a search helicopter?!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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