I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
