I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
