mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
