and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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