Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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