I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
