come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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