my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
