That's intense
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
