John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
