I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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