Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
