i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
