I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
