**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
