If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize