Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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