I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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