Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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