so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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