Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
