wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
