I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
