I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
