My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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