oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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