After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
