Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
