Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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