Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
