my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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