Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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