Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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