It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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