Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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