Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
