The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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