Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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