Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
