go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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