I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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