I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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