True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
