Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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